Waiting for the Download or the night
Horrible day at work. yes I still work at the movie theatre, no it has not got better but instead progressively worse actuallly.  It seems that my boss is so cheap she can not afford to pay to have the couches cleaned in theatre one and oh look we have rats that have chewed on the furniture getting at the build up of candy and other things left between the cushions.  Also we have ants at the concession stand, broken tile up stairs and that says nothing for the musical chairs going on with new hires who either quit or break parole. I can not say much because I still make enough money to waste money on insert electronic device here and still have an apartment. Even if my w-2 says i make less and less each year.

Which is the point of bringing this blog back to life. I want to make my life better without the intervention of anyone else. This is just between me and the internet. I want to look at these entries and see how i got to a better place in my life.

Currently I am slightly pudgy, with much duress i have moved away from overweight and into comfortably pudgy but I want to get to muscular. I want to give up my addiction with extra portions. My love affair with sugar. My dirtry kinky fun times with chinese food.  It just takes so delicious and i come from the nineties where we treat ourselves like kings. It has to stop, my dick is now 7 inches long having lost an inch to my waist.  i FOUND old photos from when I was twenty and it was like being a vampire thrown out into sunlight the way i saw how skinny i used to be as opposed to how doughy i am now.  How sad...i know i'm being vain, but arent we supposed to want what is best for us. I refuse to let my body sink into disrepair.  I want my life to mean something even if it is just to me I still want it to matter.

What I want i am no longer sure, my life has been quite depressing up to this point but i now see it was my own inactiveness in regards to my existence that made it so and i want to change that very much. So i am. so here we go.

Say say say

Lately I have been thinking a lot about the way I live. I have a system of doing things at certain times. I'm rarely home, my paycheck are decreasing and I have little to show for it. I believe it to be this way because I have grown complacent in my current way of living. Like a domesticated animal. I have a great deal of thoughts on ways to better myself but then the feeling that if I tried to change, it would ruin everything comes on. It chases my motivation away, so I sit still and wait for the next part of the day to begin.

I say things, in a clever way I'm perceptive. I'm wise enough to see the ends the actions I will commit will create and still I do and don't certain things. Why do I scream silently in bed if I find this way of living so comforting.

I think it's because years ago I said I would be a great so and so, now I'm nothing but myself. No success to have pride in, no achievements besides that I've tried the assurance of my fathers money for Daniel's. It's an off the cusp thought that I try to justify with all the sacrifices I made when I was twenty four, now at twenty seven I find myself in a role reversal. I squint at myself in photos and can see creases and lines in my face that weren't there before. I slap myself out of depression by keeping my hands to myself. You'd be surprised how many people find failure, attractive. I smile and choose to ignore it the way you ignore sun on your skin or a lie told terribly to you.

It's now or never my mind says, so I begin a regimen of cleaning products. I walk miles and jog a few. I attempt to restructure my days with the free time that working only twenty hours a week gives. I've even started looking for a second job.

Now if I can get all my fantasies down on paper and create novels of them.

We will see, won't we.


The monster that ate my pop music
As Miley Cyrus sashays around the stage of the VMA's to the avid looks of horror by Will Smith's children who have yet to learn how to show contempt, pop music seems to be morphing into something that can't be tamed. It scares me to turn on the radio as teenagers sing songs about going all night and I wanted to hear the latest Kelly Clarkson who has stepped back from the limelight since it got a new red tint. As I watch the long line of wholesome pop stars become drug addicted sex addicts or atleast that's what they claim, i WONDER what happened to the happy songs that I enjoyed when I was a teenager. It makes me wonder if somewhere teenagers are getting in line for the bathroom to do a line as opposed to be worrying about having breath mints for their first date?

Maybe i'm just old, but I like being able to dance to my pop music and I don't know, be happy.

I had so much respect for Avril Lavigne, now i just wait for the behind the music with her so i can hear her admit to dumbing it down for the younger fans who replaced her Sk8terboy crowd.

No Going Back Now
I recently turned twenty seven years old.  My birthday was not a big deal, everyone says that it will be but in all honesty it was not the fanfare explosion i thought it would be. That has a lot to do with me becoming a recluse who works all the time and has empty headed ideals that never pan out. Atleast until my birthday. Cause on my birthday, I decided to start living.


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